The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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