im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
