We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
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In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
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I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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