I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
