We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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