I can't breathe out the right side of my face
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We smell like vodka and hangover
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