There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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