i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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