Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
