WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
