Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
