I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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