Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
