Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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