what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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