I'm drive I can fine osifer
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
