I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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