Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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