I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
