I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this will be a night to untag.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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