I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
