I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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