she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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