Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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