I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
