the new term for farting is butt boxing.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
