omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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