Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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