I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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