I think I won the penis lottery.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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