Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
