he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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