Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
