Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
