A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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