I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
