Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
