I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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