Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
