The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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