Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
