It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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