Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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