Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
