so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
