so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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