That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All I want is dick and wine.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
