I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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