I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
