FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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