My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
