she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
