I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
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You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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