a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize