When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
