His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
