I think I won the penis lottery.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
