i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
